New managers: get to know your direct reports
Being human is key to becoming a leader
I’m here to state the obvious: if you’re a manager, you should invest time and energy into getting to know your direct reports. It’s not an overstatement to say we spend more time at work with our coworkers than we do at home with our families. As much as one-third of our life is spent at work. So for our own mental health and the health of those around us, it would be wise to find some level of harmony with the people we work with.
We all know that most workplaces do not offer great training for new managers, so there’s a tendency for people entering management to lack experience and understanding of what will make them successful in the role. In my experience with Software Engineering Managers and other tech leaders, I’ve noticed a prevailing deficit in a manager’s ability to empathize and build rapport with their direct reports.
Leaning into being human at work
I don’t want to over-generalize, but I think it’s fair to say that a good number of tech managers are promoted internally from IC engineering roles where they excelled at the extremely technical aspects of their work and are not well-equipped or well-prepared for the shift from managing code to managing people. Sometimes it seems they are not even aware of the new skills and strategies that are required to be effective as a people leader.
In a few cases, Software Engineering Managers and even some Directors never learn to lean into effective human leadership and continue to rely on their technical mastery to get things done: the result is usually some flavor of morale-reducing micromanagement and a purely technical results-focused manager who is emotionally unavailable to team members when they need understanding and support.
If you only focus on the work and don’t pay attention to the people behind the work you will only ever be a task manager and won’t be looked upon as a leader. People will work for you and obey your instructions, but they won’t follow you or respect you. You will also find that if you’re not building trust and banking emotional equity with your direct reports, it will be much harder to lead them through times of struggle and uncertainty.
Again, it may seem obvious to some of us, but a new manager needs to make sure they are prioritizing the development of their (so-called) soft skills. You may be working for a company that doesn’t really understand or appreciate the importance of human-centered management in tech, and you may be spending too much of your time still immersed in the code to be a truly effective leader, but you owe it to your team to at least try to be there for them in ways that matter.
There are no easy shortcuts that I’m aware of to becoming the kind of manager that people want to work for, but as a start, I’ll suggest some things that will get you off to a good start.
During your very first 1:1 with each report:
Set aside plenty of time to ask them (non-invasive) personal questions. Find out about their hobbies, whether they have pets, where they like to travel, who they live with, how they got into tech etc. You may be looking at this and thinking it seems like a frivolous waste of time, but I promise this is an investment that will pay off. Show genuine interest in who they are as human beings and establish a baseline you can build on in the future. And don’t fake it: this is something that requires the same commitment you give to other important relationships in your life.
Ask them how they like to receive feedback. Hopefully, they’ve already thought about this but you can prompt them to help arrive at a mutual understanding. You might include this as an agenda topic in the meeting invite so they can come prepared.
Ask them when they prefer to work. If you are working in a physical office there may be strict working hours, but if the position is remote an employee will typically expect a more flexible schedule. Make sure they understand that the team will need to have at least some shared working hours where you all overlap, but knowing that someone is an early bird or a night owl can help you establish good lines of communication and not be tripped up later by unset expectations.
Ask your reports some open-ended questions such as “What do you need from me to do your best work?”. Establish that you are there to help them be successful. What obstacles are in their way, or what support do they need? There might be some pressing needs caused by whatever shift resulted in you becoming the team’s manager, or there may be more long-term issues to explore.
Keep in mind this concept of human-centered management: “let people lead.” Ask a question like “What project, process, or change would you like to lead on our team?”. This is a great way to explore what motivates them, what ideas they have for improving the team, and whether or not they feel a healthy sense of ownership. It also starts a conversation around their career goals. You won’t dig in very far during this first meeting, but it sets the stage for a follow-up later and helps you think about how each person on the team can find their sense of purpose and become the best, most fulfilled version of themselves at work.
Try to get into the habit of listening more than you speak. This is their meeting, not yours. Come prepared with lots of questions to spark conversation.
I like to keep records of these early responses so that I stay aware of them later and don’t need to rely on my fallible human memory to keep track of everyone’s preferences. Some companies may have a private wiki or internal employee intranet or hub where some of this information could be stored, at least the operational and communication preferences. But for other kinds of information and for tracking conversations over time, use some good note-taking software, or if you prefer something more physical, a simple stack of index cards that you can store in a safe place will suffice.
Remember the date
Speaking of employee information — as a manager, you’ll typically have access to basic data such as employee start date and birthday. Look these up for each of your direct reports and create private calendar reminders for each important date. Ask your direct reports if they enjoy celebrating work anniversaries and birthdays in the open with the whole team or if they’d prefer a private note to mark the occasion. It’s a simple, genuine gesture you probably extend to friends, family members, and even some friends you only keep up with online — why wouldn’t you extend the same basic sentiment to people you will temporarily spend one-third of your life with?
I usually go one step further and try to mark down any anniversary that I learn about that is likely going to cause the employee some amount of stress. I’ve managed employees who have had loved ones or pets die while they’ve been part of my team, and knowing that as each year passes, they’ll revisit the initial shock of losing someone they love, I try to make sure I am giving them extra slack that week and that I’m prepared for them to be less engaged or productive. It’s also a chance for me to watch out for any signs that they may benefit from taking a day or two off work. This is about awareness and showing extra empathy during a tough time.
We’re not family, but we’re also not strangers
All this talk of building emotional equity, understanding your employees as people, celebrating good times, and being aware of the bad times, etc might sound like I’m advocating for you to become best friends with your direct reports, so I want to be clear that I’m not. All I’m really saying is that managers should treat people like people, not just an employee ID on a spreadsheet. I definitely agree that there is a flip side: managers should establish authority and clear expectations from the start and not talk or act as if the team is their family. I’ll write more about this another time. I just want managers to understand that authority can and should be combined with human empathy and goodwill and that neglecting to understand your employees on a human level will only lead to the perpetuation of the idea that management doesn’t care or acts with moral impunity. Let’s strive to be good managers and become great leaders who people actually feel inspired by, rather than ruling with fear.
Keep learning
As you settle into your role as manager, don’t neglect the personal side of your working relationships. Set aside at least a few minutes in each 1:1 for catching up personally, or for reflecting on something mundane but interesting like a current event or TV show. Keep up some genuine interest in the lives of your employees outside of their work and don’t make the entire meeting one big status report. You should give each of your reports at least thirty minutes of your time each week (more as needed) and you should treat these meetings as essential to the smooth operation of your team. Don’t let any other leader tell you that it’s okay to neglect these meetings or to reduce them to 15 minutes or less — would you feel appreciated and respected if your manager did that to you? This is time well spent, and if you take it seriously and continuously strive to become a better listener, coach, and mentor, I’m positive that your employees will agree.
This is great, 100% agree that getting to know your reports (and skip levels) is the most important thing you can do as a manager. I use Lara Hogan’s first one to one questions as a starting point for every person I manage. https://larahogan.me/blog/first-one-on-one-questions/
This is fantastic, Jim. This should be required reading for all engineering managers. This is filled with so much good information for managers and leaders. Thanks for sharing this.